


No Sunday School Picnic

by gottalovev



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Pining, Team, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-04
Updated: 2011-10-04
Packaged: 2017-10-24 07:58:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/260932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gottalovev/pseuds/gottalovev
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A planet kept secret by the Ancients, a promising energy signature... Being stuck on the planet because of a busted DHD should not be so bad, right? They'll find the Ancient ruins and get some crystals to fix it, that's all. Or so they think until they are warned not to go into the forest, especially not after nightfall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Sunday School Picnic

**Author's Note:**

> This is the re-post of my 2011 [mcshep_match](http://mcshep-match.livejournal.com/) story, where I was in [Team Sheppard](http://mcshep-sheppard.livejournal.com) \o/
> 
> The prompt: Ground Zero
> 
> My beta [Siluria](http://archiveofourown.org/users/siluria) rocks: thank you, darling ♥. Also lots of thanks to the mods and to my team for their great support!

"This isn’t so bad," John says, easily stepping around a hole in the ground. The grass on the prairies that surround the gate is about knee high and a very vibrant apple green, softly rustling in the wind, and it gives the whole place an air of tranquility. Looks can often be deceiving, but for now John is charmed and he lets his P-90 hang by the strap, strolling at his team's six. There's no cover for at least two miles in every direction anyway, making it relatively safe.

"It would be better if the signal was stronger," Rodney says. "I can't magic parts out of thin air."

Yeah, right, there's the whole stranded thing to consider in the evaluation of this planet's niceness factor. At the moment, the lack of imminent threats and the pleasant weather plays in its favor.

***

Rodney had been overly excited at finding P4C-882 in the Atlantis database a couple of weeks ago: the address was hidden in a list of planets on triple lock. Of course, it had been like waving a red cape in front of a bull.

"This could be huge, John," Rodney said, eyes sparkling. "The research facility on that planet has the highest priority code that exists."

"Then why was it abandoned?" John asked, playing devil's advocate even though he had to admit that the excitement had been contagious.

"It was hidden more than abandoned. They blocked the gate and made sure no one else could go through, maybe to protect it from the Wraith. The gate is fully functional now that I've found the password, though." Cracking that security code had made Rodney gloat about his own genius even more so than usual, which was by now oddly endearing to John (yes, he had it _that_ bad). A couple of days later, a MALP had sent back data consistent with a perfectly habitable planet, though the area the probe covered with its camera hadn't given any hint of human activity.

They'd stepped through that morning, mid-day local time, and eager to find the mysterious research facility. The first sign that there could be a problem happened as the event horizon dissolved: the DHD made some kind of whining noise and the entire surface flashed red three times.

"That looked ominous," John said as Rodney went to it and tried to dial out, with no success. The buttons stayed inert.

Rodney hooked his tablet to the device. "It's locked on this side too."

"So no one gets out?" Ronon said. "I don't like this."

"Rodney will fix it," John said with confidence. "Right?"

"Let me check it out first, maybe? Thank you!"

Unfortunately, there were fried control crystals so they were faced with a choice: wait until Atlantis dialed in the next day because the Team had missed their check-in, and then tell the scientists on the other side what parts they needed to fix the DHD, or...

"We find that tech - and I have an interesting energy reading, so it's here - and look for the right crystals. If all goes well, we might wrap up the mission while doing so. If we don't find anything, we come back for the check-in anyway."

Since no one wanted to stay idle for 23 hours or so, plan B it was.

***

Rodney's scanner tells them to keep North East, and fortunately the signal is getting stronger. "I approximate it must originate seven miles from here."

"Okay," John says. That's doable.

"We have yet to see a path," Teyla remarks at one point.

John shrugs. "If the stargate was locked by the Ancients, it must have happened a very long time ago. The locals must have lost interest in the big round thing that does nothing."

"Or there is no one here," Rodney suggests. "I detect life signs, but it could be animals."

"No. There's something that looks like chimney smoke over there," Ronon says, pointing a bit to the left of their destination.

"I believe you are correct," Teyla says and maybe, if John squints just right, he might see what it is they are talking about, outlined vaguely against the sky.

"Oh, good!" Rodney says, perking up from his gadgets. "I was about to suggest that we take a break for lunch. Do you think there might be something good to eat over there?"

"Let's make sure they are friendly before raiding the cupboards, okay?" John says.

As they approach the forest that circles the prairie, they come across a paved road, old but in good shape and with signs that it's used often enough. The road leads into the woods in the general direction of that smoke Ronon spotted, so they decide to follow it for now.

The forest consists of fairly tall trees and is dense enough that the light is completely different once they're under the canopy, muted and green tinted, with the odd ray of light piercing through here and there. On each side of the road there's a ten feet wide ditch that has been cleaned out of all under-bush. It makes for a nice clean road, and the shade from the trees makes the walk even more enjoyable now that the sun is up in the sky.

The fairly flat terrain has started to give way to a bit more relief and as they reach the crest of a small hill. The road exits the forest to reveal a valley with small houses made of wood and stones, built along a narrow river. The village, if it can be called that, is adjoined by a couple of cultured fields and then completely surrounded by the forest, though there's again a large section of cleared up ground marking the edge of the forest. People are going about their business clad in long tunics or dresses, and animals looking a lot like donkeys are being used to pull rudimentary carts and farming equipment.

"I guess I can forget technologically advanced people," Rodney says at the medieval look of it all.

"Or they hide it," Ronon says.

"True. We don't assume anymore, thanks to the Genii," John agrees.

Rodney gestures at the village using his scanner. "I'm not talking about the fashion choices, it’s more that there’s no obvious energy signature." He taps a couple of buttons. "No radiation, either, so it's unlikely they are building bombs in their basements."

"They might know where to find Ancient technology, therefore help us to fix the stargate," Teyla says.

"Let's go and ask," John says, taking point.

***

The first contact goes very well, especially with the three, and soon after four, kids who run to meet them half way down the slope. They are looking at their clothes and gear with wide curious eyes.

"Could I see your metal bird?" a little girl with mousy brown hair asks Rodney hopefully. She starts to walk beside him, trying to match his strides.

Rodney looks at her with puzzlement. "My what?"

"Sorry, kid, we didn't come in a ship," John says.

"You did not come from the sky?" she asks, her little face crunching up.

"No, we didn't. To fix what got us here, we'd need to talk to an adult. Is there a leader in your village?" John asks.

She nods, serious. "Yes, I will take you to Malik."

A boy, most probably her younger brother, takes off running towards the village, yelling for said Malik at the top of his lungs. When John, the rest of the team, and the remaining kids walk in the village, the adults have taken a break from their daily chores and are observing them curiously. There is no hostility, that is for sure, and that in itself is very promising. The boy is running out of a house, gesturing at them to a man that is following him.

"See, there they are!" the kid says, overexcited.

"I see that, Ista, thank you," the man says. He's tall and well built, with a short cropped beard and inquisitive eyes. "Welcome, visitors," he then addresses them, inclining his head. "I am Malik."

Using the term visitors is definitely friendlier than stranger; John has no doubt every word Malik uses is chosen carefully.

"Your welcome is a blessing," Teyla answers using her own diplomatic experience and Malik looks pleased. "I am Teyla Emmagan of Athos. Let me introduce you to my friends: Colonel John Sheppard and Doctor Rodney McKay of Earth and Specialist Ronon Dex of Sateda."

"It is a pleasure to meet you," Malik says.

"Thank you, Malik. Likewise," John says with a smile.

"It has been several seasons since we had visitors on Shorra," Malik says. "The Travelers used to come more regularly but the fight against the Wraith is difficult."

They follow Malik inside the house where he invites everyone to sit around a sturdy wooden table. He offers them light beer, freshly baked bread and a strong cheese that they eat in easy companionship. The Shoranians are doing pretty well, even though they are still recovering from a Wraith culling that happened roughly seven years ago.

"How did you manage to save your people?" Ronon asks.

"Many houses have reinforced rooms or cellars, and the Wraith did not stay long. But they wiped out many villages north from here." Malik gets quiet and they all observe a minute of silence for the dead. "I suppose you are interested to trade for wheat or barley? We stocked the little surplus we managed to produce last summer, and since the Travelers..."

"Oh, no, not really," Rodney starts but John puts a hand on his knee to shut him up. As much as John would like the excuse to keep touching, he lets go as he speaks in Rodney's place. They can't pass an opportunity like this.

"That sounds pretty great, actually," John says. "We're always interested in grain."

"Especially when it can produce bread as good as yours," Teyla adds, which does get a Rodney nod of approval.

Malik laughs. "That is great. But you were looking for some other produce? I am afraid the vegetable crops are thin this year, we will have to ration ourselves."

"Maybe we could help with that," John says, thinking of the dozens of crates of almost-turnip stocked on Atlantis and about how everyone seems to make a face when it's included in the menu after eating so much of it in the last year. "We have medicine, too, to relieve fever and headaches."

"I sense a beautiful partnership," Malik says with a big smile. "But I get from Doctor McKay’s previous reaction that you had something else in mind?"

"Yes!" Rodney exclaims, happy to finally be brought back into the conversation. He's probably in a hurry to get back to work now that he has eaten. "What do you know about the Ancients? Or the Ancestors? Is there some city or building around here, you think? Roughly that way?" he says, gesturing North East.

As Rodney speaks Malik's whole demeanor changes. He stops smiling for one and instinctively John puts a hand on his gun. He doesn't look hostile, though, but worried.

"I do not know what you speak of," he says, though he's clearly lying through his teeth. From calm and poised, Malik has turned into a squirming mess. "No one goes that way."

Rodney frowns. "And why is that?"

"Because of the curse!" the little girl John had totally forgotten about pipes up, drawing a glare from Malik. He laughs uneasily afterwards as she scampers off.

"Children!" he says, shaking his head. "I am sorry. Her grandmother is known to regale the children with old tales. There are a lot of... animals in those woods. It is safer to stay on the path."

"Oh," Rodney says, looking bummed. "What kind of animals? Are they dangerous? Are we speaking bears or more mountain lions, here?"

The corner of Malik's mouth wants to quirk in a smile. "No, no bear or lion. The Joomanis are pretty slow. But the bite is fatal, so it is better not to tempt Fate."

Ronon cracks his neck and rolls his shoulders and John is temped to groan in dismay. Of course Ronon now wants to go hunt whatever that mysterious animal is and prove that he laughs in the face of Fate itself.

"I see," John says. "We'll have to be careful then."

Malik frowns. "You will go into the woods?"

"We need to, or we won't be able to leave," Rodney says. He then hastily adds. "Not that your planet isn't absolutely gorgeous or anything."

"I strongly advise you not to. It will be dark, soon, and the Joomanis..."

"I'll take care of the Joomanis," Ronon says.

"Our weapons make a lot of noise," John adds. "It should scare them off."

"Maybe, but..." Malik looks absolutely distressed. "It is safer in the daylight. Can I convince you to wait until morning? Or maybe you could fly over the forest with your ship..."

"Ah, well, we didn't come with a ship, or we'd do just that," John says.

"I told you we should have taken a jumper!" Rodney tells John unhelpfully.

"But how..." Malik says, as confused as the little girl on the path earlier.

"We came through the ring of the Ancestors," Teyla says. "Unfortunately, it will not work from your side so Doctor McKay needs to fix it. And for that we need to find a structure that could be in the forest."

Malik shakes his head. "The Ring is dead."

"It worked coming in," Rodney says, tilting his chin up in defiance. "If there's someone who can make it work again to go out, it's me."

John looks pointedly at Teyla who thankfully gets the message.

"We appreciate your advice, Malik, and we will be careful. We will leave now to have as much daylight as we can," she says.

John waits until Malik gets up before he does too - he likes to think he's learned a thing or two about diplomacy in six years - and tries to reassure him too.

"Don't worry, we'll be fine," he says.

Malik doesn't look convinced. "As you wish. But remember that one bite is enough. So if one of your party gets infected, the Gods forbid, it would be better for everyone to end his suffering. Be wary at all times, I plead you."

With that gloomy advice, they get out of the house and part ways with Malik and the rest of the villagers, crossing to the forest immediately upon Rodney's advice.

"It should be maybe three miles from here," he says, eyes glued to his scanner. "And, by the way, I hate planets where it gets dark in the middle of the afternoon. Have I told you guys?"

"Several times," Ronon says, shouldering a crude fence open so they can enter the woods, before replacing it.

"Less talking, more walking," John says, taking their six. He can't help but check the woods, wondering if they'll come across a Joomanis. "We should have asked what the things look like."

Teyla hums. "I've been wondering about that myself. I suppose Malik thought we knew. It resembles the name of a beast found in the Athosian stories."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, the Juimani," she says. "The Night Walkers."

Ronon grunts. "Night Walkers are a myth."

"Night Walkers? Sounds pretty consistent with Malik's story. And what is a Night Walker, anyway?" Rodney asks before stopping dead in his tracks, Ronon's hand in the middle of his chest. "What?"

"Don't move," Ronon says, his other fist raised up to head level in the freeze sign. "Sheppard, there's a trap. See the tree over there?" he points.

John follows the tree, sees the rope and curses when he realizes that Ronon has triggered the trap by stepping on a tripwire. He also notices that it's inches from snapping the pin that holds the trunk up.

"Got it, keep still," John says. With Teyla's help and much pulling and swearing, John manages to disarm the trap.

"We'll have to go slower," Ronon says.

"Oh, great." Rodney sighs dramatically. "Careful it is. Can we get going now?"

"We'll make a line behind Ronon. Don't stray, Rodney," John instructs.

"Don't worry, I value my life too much."

It's a lot slower this way, but they are able to avoid a pit with sharp looking stakes and two other trunks set to swing on unsuspecting people triggering the traps. The sun sets rapidly, and the dark forest gets almost pitch black fast. As could be expected, their progress from then on is excruciatingly slow; Ronon sweeps the ground with his flashlight while Teyla and John try to watch out around them. Rodney is caught between them all, shining his flashlight around, especially if there's a sound in the woods.

"I really, really don't like this," he says and then freezes. "Huh. Hello?"

John turns around rapidly, aiming his flashlight beam in the same direction as Rodney's. There's a man there, immobile and watching them back with expressionless eyes.

"Hey," John says. He then notices that the man's clothes are ripped on one side, his arm covered in blood. It could explain why he looks in shock. "Are you okay? Can we help you?"

The man starts to stumble towards them and John's about to go help him when he notices that he's injured at the neck, too. Injured in a way that means he should not be stumbling at all since half of his throat is missing.

"Sheppard!" Ronon yells at the same time John and Teyla starts firing. A lot like the Wraith, it seems like bullets only tickle and only a shot of Ronon's blaster to the head stops the guy who falls face first on the ground.

"What the fuck!" Rodney yells.

"Night Walkers," Teylas says, awed.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me! Night Walkers are zombies? Is that what I'm supposed to understand?" Rodney says, sweeping his flashlight around and it's a testament to how rattled they all are that he's the one to spot the next one, clothes torn and completely disfigured. "Holy shit, there's one more!"

A short burst of a P-90 to the head takes care of the problem.

"How far, Rodney?" John asks as they move closer together for safety.

"A mile and a half? Oh god, we're all going to die," Rodney whines.

"No one is dying," John says through clenched teeth.

"There," Teyla says, pointing with her P-90.

Maybe two hundred feet from them there are torches moving in the night and John keeps ready, aiming.

"Who is there?" a voice calls. "We heard noise, a lot of noise. Identify yourself or we'll fire!"

John exchanges a looks with Teyla and Ronon.

"We are visitors, and we don't want any trouble," John says.

"Then what are you doing in the forest, fools?" is shouted back.

"We're on a quest!" Rodney yells. John can't help but to turn and make a face at him.

"A quest?" he stage-whispers because he's pretty sure the face he pulled went unnoticed in the dark and it's a damn shame. "What the fuck?"

"Oh shush, I’m sure it's all the rage with those people!" Rodney whispers back, and annoyingly, the people with the torches seem to be interested.

"A quest? To vanquish Joomanis?"

"No, for the magic crystals!" Rodney yells back.

John's got to admit, it's kind of catchy.

"And to vanquish as many Joomanis as we can along the way," Rodney bellows and John can't help but grin. His team is awesome.

"Oh, excellent," they hear as the torches start moving towards them.

At one point there's a shout and flaming arrows travel from the torch bearers to what John assumes is another zombie that goes up in flames before writhing on the forest's floor. The men and women that meet them are tough looking, clad in leather armor re-enforced at the neck. Their leader is a tall woman, salt and pepper hair pulled back in a braid that goes down to the small of her back. She hails them with a booming voice.

"I am Iana, Ranger," she says as she walks into the clearing. "I'll admit I've never seen someone on a quest." She looks at them in turn and grins when he sees Teyla. "I wouldn't mind seeing more like you, for sure."

John can feel Teyla grow tense: innuendo never quite works with her, whoever does it.

"A word of advice? Don't make her mad or she'll feed you to the Joomanis," John says.

Iana smiles wider. "Just my type, then. Can we help you with something for your quest?"

Rodney points towards the possible location of the Ancient outpost. "We just want to go that way?" he says. "For maybe one hour?"

There is grumbling form the Rangers and Iana shakes her head, making her long braid swing. "There's nothing good that way."

"Oh, I’m pretty sure there is!" Rodney says.

"What is over there?" John asks.

"That's where the Joomanis come from," Iana says. "From the heart of the forest, past the torches."

"If you don't mind, we'd like to have a look?" John says.

"Sure," Iana says, turning around. "Orin, Usia, make sure no Joomanis follow," she says as other men with torches circle around them to take their six.

Walking through the forest in a calculated zigzag path - surely to avoid the traps - is a lot faster when following a group that knows where they are going. The further they go towards their destination, the more often shambling zombies come at them. Torching them works great, but Iana seems really impressed by the firepower of their weapons, especially Ronon's.

"Oh, can I get one of those? If you live long enough to do some trade negotiations, I mean," Iana says at one point.

"Get in line!" John grumbles.

"Hush," Rodney whispers by his side. "You know I'm working on it. You'll be the first to get one, I promise."

John grins, immediately placated. Of course Rodney will manage to reverse engineer the thing eventually, though he wishes he'd had time to do it already.

After maybe twenty minutes, they see lights dancing through the tree branches, several yards away. They exit the forest to a shrub-free field, five hundred feet wide or so, and in the middle there are torches, set every fifty feet. Iana takes them to a circle of torches that gives as much light as it's possible under the circumstances, and they spend a while at the edge of it, watching the dark forest for movement. Frankly, it gives John the creeps. John walks to Rodney, who's fiddling with his scanner.

"It's in there, huh?" John asks and Rodney nods.

"Yeah. And I'm wondering if one doesn't go with the other, you know? Zombies and Ancient outpost?" Rodney remarks.

"Too much of a coincidence," John agrees.

"We know that it was a research facility, but not much more," Rodney says. "I am pretty sure that creating zombies was never on the Ancient's priority list, though. They made the Wraith and replicators, but zombies? I highly doubt it."

"But this place," John gestures to encompass the forest facing them. "It's obviously Ground Zero for the Joomanis, right?"

"Ground Zero? As in where it started? Yes, it seems like it," Rodney agrees.

John has a sudden moment of clarity. "What was the Ancient's top priority, at the time they made this place?"

"Defeating the Wraith?" Rodney answers.

Shaking his head no, John rises an eyebrow: it's an easy question after all.

"To ascend?" Rodney says, and then starts snapping his fingers. "Oh, that makes perfect sense. The high security measures, why they kept the place secret..."

"Ascending made them zombies?" John asks.

"Obviously, the procedure failed. But if you take away the," Rodney coughed before crooking his index fingers, "quote, soul or conscience, unquote, what would be left could be something like the Joomanis."

"What about the contagious part?" John asks.

"That I don't know. Maybe a virus was used to induce DNA changes and the eventual conversion," Rodney muses.

John nods. "It does look like a fucked up version of rabies."

They watch the forest a little bit more and John really isn't sure going in is worth it. "We should go back to the gate and wait for check-in."

Rodney sighs. "I get where you are coming from. I'm worried that there's only the zombie machine over there too. But shouldn't we, you know, shut it off?"

"You think it's still working?" John asks.

"I think so, there's something big in there because I get an energy signature like I've never seen before."

John grimaces. "I don't want to risk getting zombified ourselves."

"If it's a virus, and one transmissible by saliva, there must be a direct inoculation to blood just like rabies. I am pretty sure there should be a pod or a platform involved, though I agree that we should be cautious."

"So, are we going?" Ronon asks as he comes over with Teyla.

"I'm not so sure it's a good idea," John says. He's usually not the one who suggests backing up from a dangerous OP, but he really doesn't like the feel of this one and he's learned to trust his instinct. Contrary to the opinion of some of his acquaintances, John does have a healthy sense of self-preservation.

"Walking through the forest should go faster from here on. Iana told me there are no traps over there," Ronon says.

"I wonder how come there are still zombies left, if they catch most of the ones that get past the torches?" Rodney asks.

"Oh, that is because of the Cult," Teyla says. "Iana told me that there is a religious faction with many followers who believe that if they pray and make penance enough, they will overcome the curse and find illumination and eternal life."

"Ascension," both John and Rodney say in tandem, pleased to learn that their theory is probable.

"Every day, some people deliberately enter the sacred woods. There are not enough Rangers to watch the whole perimeter, and generally when they see the person again it is too late. "

"Wow, they go in there on _purpose_?" Rodney exclaims. "What a bunch of idiots."

"We'll go too," Ronon says. "What does that make us?"

"Fair enough," Rodney admits. "Should we go back to the gate?"

"With the traps?" Ronon shakes his head. "Unless a Ranger guides us, we better wait for daylight."

"I think that whatever we choose to do, it should wait until the sun rises," Teyla says.

John nods. "Alright, if the Rangers don't mind we'll stay here until then and advise."

"Stay here if you want, I'm going to go blast some Joomanis," Ronon says with a feral grin.

"Stay around camp. Don't go on a patrol, I want you close by if we need to leave fast," John says.

Ronon nods, then click his radio. "Call if you need me."

With that he disappears in the night and John has to bite his cheek not to call him right back. He doesn't like this, doesn't like it at all.

***

Morning comes accompanied by a deep fog, making it hard to see fifteen feet away. John didn't even try to sleep, knowing it would not happen anyway. Instead he spent part of the night watching how Rodney had twisted himself in a woolen blanket and drowsed fitfully by his side. It was rare that John had an occasion to indulge in watching Rodney for long periods of time. John had even risked putting a calming hand on his shoulder, and even once on Rodney's neck with soft shushing noises, when he'd thrashed a little too much, probably having a nightmare. Rodney had calmed down almost immediately, burrowing a bit closer and it's in times like that when John finds it the hardest to convince himself it’s for the best that they are just friends. He longed to curl around Rodney to just hold him, how stupidly mushy was that?

He lets Rodney sleep a couple more minutes but the Rangers are moving about more, a change of shift most probably, so John finally shakes Rodney awake. "Hey, sleepy head! Rise and shine."

There's a grumble and a flash of blue as Rodney slits his eyes open. His first reaction on seeing John is to smile up at him, sleepy and soft and John can't help but to smile back like the sucker he is.

"Morning," Rodney says, voice scratchy, before stretching.

"Good morning," John says. "Did you sleep okay?"

Rodney makes a face. "As much as I could on the ground. I think I ended up in a Romero movie."

"I hope you picked up useful skills," John says with a smile.

"It depends. Where's my shotgun?" Rodney answers with a crooked smile of his own.

John laughs. "Ah, sorry, we're out of stock. But we do have perfectly good P-90's."

Speaking of, John checks his weapon and he's not thrilled that he only has one spare charger.

"Could this become more cliché?" Rodney asks as he sits up, taking in the eerie feel of their surroundings coated with the thick fog.

"I know. Nothing to make it easier." John has thought about it through the night and they need to go shut off the zombie machine before they fix the gate. If even one of the zombies gets off this planet, they'll be in deep trouble.

"Hey," Ronon says, strolling towards them. He looks tired but satisfied, which must mean he wasted a couple of Joomanis through the night. "What now?"

"We find Teyla and go in there," John says, pointing to the woods where the Ancient machine must be. "Hopefully the zombies will be... well they will do whatever Night Walkers do when it's light outside and leave us alone. We shut the machine off, find the crystals and go home to get some backup to hopefully help those people get totally rid of the Joomanis."

"Fine. I know where Teyla is, and there's been almost no movement in the woods since sun rise," Ronon says.

"That is so reassuring," Rodney grumbles, going through his backpack. "But first thing first, I need coffee. I _refuse_ to even think about moving before that."

John leaves him to it as he goes to find Iana: maybe she'll agree to let a couple of Rangers come with them.

***

It's a relief that they don't have to check where they're walking for traps this time, which allows them to progress a lot quicker. Three Rangers volunteered to accompany them, two gruff looking men - brothers if John understood right, though he didn't catch their names - and a young woman called Rhina who seems stuck with a perpetual scowl.

"This is not a trick to have our help to get closer to illumination, is it?" Rhina asks after a couple of minutes. "The curse can't be broken."

"Oh, believe me, I want nothing to do with illumination, thank you very much," Rodney says with a shudder.

John remembers how close they came to losing Rodney that time with the ascension machine on Atlantis and he has to suppress his own reaction. Frigging Ancients and their one track minds.

"If all goes according to plan, we'll stop what turns people into Joomanis. But there won't be illumination for anyone, sorry," John says.

Rhina throws him a skeptical look. "Stop it?"

"Can't promise anything, but we'll try," Rodney says, throwing John a look that warns him not to give hope to the natives. But John's confident: if push comes to shove he's got C4.

"Will it be possible to cure the Joomanis?" she asks, her frown turning into something intent, as it would change everything, and John winces.

"Ah, well, I don't know," he says, though it comes out almost as a question. Maybe Carson could find a cure, but he can't promise.

"Probably not, sorry," Rodney says and Rhina's expression closes up again before she takes big strides to get in front of the group towards the brothers.

"Don't sugar-coat it, please," John hisses at Rodney.

"Oh, I am so sorry," Rodney whispers back furiously. "Did you see that guy last night? He was _dead_ , John, there is no coming back from that! There might be a cure for someone who's just been bitten or inoculated and we manage to catch them before they turn, but there's no way we can bring back frigging zombies from the dead!"

That's true, of course. But that girl probably has people she knows shuffling around and it would have been nice to be able to help. The Rangers have fanned out a bit in front, to survey more ground and hopefully detect any Joomanis in their path. John tries his best to keep as alert as possible, watching for any suspicious movement and it doesn't escape his notice that Ronon has slowed down. He matches his pace, putting an arm out to keep Rodney in the middle.

"What is it?" John asks.

Ronon has entirely stopped and he scans the forest to their left intently. "We're being watched."

"I can feel it too," Teyla says, her gun raised.

"Right now?" Rodney pales, eyes going wide as he clutches his gun. John steps closer and it’s on instinct that they make a protective triangle around him.

There's a blood curdling cry that ends abruptly and it's as if things cascade from there.

"Stoan?" a voice cries out further up and John recognizes one of the brother's voices. "Stoan! No!" is bellowed again and it's followed by a rage filled roar and the sound of running through the woods.

"Moddy!" Rhina yells. "Wait for me!"

John has to fight his own impulse to follow the brother himself. "Everyone, let's move it, stay close!" he orders as they start to run towards the commotion.

When they reach the clearing where the Rangers are fighting, it's not a pretty sight. There are at least five Joomanis in various degrees of bloody decay advancing on Rhina, and Moddy is fighting for his life, three more zombies on him or close. Unfortunately John sees the body of the other brother, Stoan he'd called him, face down on the earth and with his head twisted at an unnatural angle and his neck a mess where he's been bitten.

Wounds to the neck are visible on almost all of the Joomanis in the clearing, but it's definitely not the only injuries they sustained before turning - or after, it's hard to know. Their clothes are caked with dried blood and some are missing limbs but still valiantly shuffling towards their targets. Moddy is fighting with a sword in one hand and a huge ass knife in the other now that he's too close to use his bow, and Rhina is doing her best to turn the Joomanis into voodoo dolls, aiming and firing arrows at an incredible pace but losing terrain nonetheless. When not aflame, the arrows seem to do next to nothing to stop the zombies, especially not since she's facing five of them at the same time.

Ronon blasts Moddy's opponents as soon as he has good line of fire and John yells for Rhina to fall to the ground, which she fortunately does without question, soon imitated by Moddy. The shower of bullets that follows destroys zombies' heads and the forest alike, rounds hitting in a satisfying staccato sound even though the gory result is stomach turning. When they stop firing the silence is eerie, only broken by the sound of their breathing. Everything is still, too, but for a branch that falls to the ground as an afterthought.

"Christ," Rodney whispers, visibly shaken.

"Rhina? Moddy?" John calls. "Are you guys okay?"

Rhina's head pops up and she looks around, looking shocked, while Moddy scrambles to his brother's side. John gestures to his team to walk closer, being careful to leave a tiny bit of privacy to Moddy, who is stricken with a grief so painful to witness - and to hear, as he's racked with short painful sobs - that it breaks his heart. He should contact Dave, John thinks, maybe even go visit him and get to know his nieces next time he's on Earth. They were close, once, and they're still family.

"He shouldn't touch the blood," Rodney says as quietly as he can, taking a step back after he almost walks on a Joomanis.

"We know that," Rhina says, dusting leaves and earth off her clothes. "Thank you, by the way. I thought I was done for."

"It's nothing," John says. "I'm afraid the noise might have revealed our position to every Joomanis in the area, though. We should get moving."

She nods. "Yes, that would be wise." Walking to the other ranger, Rhina put a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. "I am so sorry, Moddy."

Moddy nods once, and then swipes his hand under his eyes before he straightens up. "He died fighting, that's what he wanted."

Rodney's fiddling with his scanner and John's only waiting for the exact direction to take when Moddy gets up and goes to get his sword.

"Do you want me to do it?" Ronon asks, unsheathing his own sword and John frowns, wondering what he's talking about. Until Stoan's leg twitches, that is. Shit.

"Is it... oh, god, I really don't need to see this," Rodney says, looking green around the gills and turning his back on Moddy who's going back to what used to be his brother's corpse.

"No, I need to do it myself," he says, resolute. John turns away, too, but the sound of the blade going down and the sick crunch doesn't leave much to the imagination. "Goodbye, brother. You can rest, now."

"I'll sing for his journey, once we arrive back at camp," Teyla says. "Good men always find the way."

"Thank you," Moddy says. He shrugs as if shaking off something unpleasant, and then looks at Rodney. "Where to?"

As soon as Rodney points, Moddy's opening the trail with the face of a guy who'll stop at nothing to take down as many Joomanis as he can. They all fall in step with him.

***

"It shouldn't be far," Rodney says.

They've been following the side of a hill for the last 15 minutes and Rodney's scanner leads them right to the mouth of a cave. That they are in the right place is made clear by the closed sliding doors, a couple of paces in. There's a sign that was fixed on them, with red writing in Ancient: John can't read fluently but he learned to recognize 'danger' and 'keep out' pretty early on.

It's calm, for now, Joomanis wise. They've encountered three more since the clearing, but Ronon made quick work of them. There's always the possibility of more, though, so they have to be cautious. Warning sign notwithstanding, the door slides open without a protest as soon as Ronon walks to it. Pretty shitty job securing the place by the Ancients, that's for sure. Moddy and Rhina don't even want to enter the cave, and they are hovering at the entrance.

"This is not a good idea," Rhina says. "We should leave while we still can."

"Are you sure we need to go in?" John asks Rodney. "It would be pretty easy to seal this place."

Rodney looks torn. "I've got to check it out. And there are the crystals for the gate, too. As long as we don't touch anything that could be the ascension machine, it should be okay."

"We can take the Night Walkers," Ronon says, peering inside the corridor. "They're slow and we're armed."

"Okay, we'll have a look," John says, ready to step in but Rodney stops him.

"Oh, no, not you. Your gene is too strong, the machine might try to inoculate you as soon as you step in the room," he says, shaking his head.

"You've got the gene too, Rodney!" John protests. He doesn't like the risks at all, especially if he isn't there to shield Rodney from it.

"I know, but as you're so happy to always rub in, it's not the same as the real one. I'll be as safe as I can be with Ronon, and you know it. You should guard the door in case the zombies try to trap us in."

John hates when Rodney is reasonable. "Fine. But for the record, I don't like it. I want you to talk my ear off, understand? Tell me everything you are doing."

Rodney rolls his eyes. "You're such a control freak sometimes."

"That's rich, coming from you," John says.

With a smile Rodney pats his arm and turns to Ronon, whom he follows in.

"This shouldn't take too long." They have turned around the bend, now out of John's view, when Rodney speaks up again. "We are walking down a perfectly nice corridor. I think I see a spider web, though. Should Ronon do something about it?"

John snorts as he goes to the mouth of the cave to scan the forest. "Smartass," he says. "Just do what you have to do so we can go home. Be careful."

"Of course. Do you really think I want to stay here more than I have to? Zombies, John, zombies. I think it says it all. Hey, wait up Ronon, don't go in."

Outside the fog has lifted and the sun is now shining brightly, making the forest look deceptively peaceful and bright. The cover is lighter, here near the hill, which has the perks of making it easier to see if there is movement or anything coming their way. Teyla is chatting with Rhina and John decides to leave Moddy some space. What is there to say, anyway? Rodney is humoring him, speaking out loud about everything he's doing in the research facility. The main room has a place clearly designed for the ascension-wishing person, or so he says, which makes it easy to avoid. He finds crystals that he says will work for the gate, too, which means they are about to get the hell out of dodge.

"Oh, hello there!" Rodney exclaims at one point, sounding extremely pleased. "This is good. John, I'll need a couple more minutes."

"Rodney? What is it?" John asks.

"I'm about to shut down the zombie machine, but we'll take a souvenir home. Ronon? Come here. I'm going to... see? Can you pull on this? On three, okay?"

John has no idea what they are doing, and he doesn't like it. There's sound as if they're doing something that takes prying, and then Rodney urges they use whatever to block what they opened up.

"Rodney, what the fuck is going on?" John asks, tempted to go in.

"I found the room with the power source, but we had to... oh, shit, there's one in there!" There's an ominous crack and a yelp, and then nothing at all.

"Rodney? Rodney! Ronon, come in!" John is running in, super gene be dammed.

His heart is beating double time, adrenaline spiking and when he gets into the main room he doesn't understand what is going on because there is no one there. As Rodney said it's pretty clear where you have to go stand to be zombified, with a nice platform and everything, even though the machine is dark at the moment. There's a groan and John finally sees Ronon, who's trying to sit up behind a couple of crates. John is by his side in a second, so worried he can't help but shake Ronon even if he seems to barely be tracking and there's blood trickling from a wound just over his right eyebrow.

"Where the fuck is Rodney?" John asks, blood pounding so hard in his ears he's not even sure he'll be able to understand the answer. "What happened?"

Ronon blinks a couple of time at him and seems to focus, taking in his surrounding. He immediately lunges for the wall.

"The bar, it snapped, knocked me out," he says as he tries to find purchase on some wall decoration, and then points to one right beside. "Come on, McKay's in there!"

A hidden door, John realizes. Rodney got trapped in the room with the power source, and John sees his radio on the floor, he must have dropped it.

"Okay, okay," John says, taking his place across from Ronon and grabbing his own ornamentation. "We'll get him out; everything is going to be fine."

He's babbling and he knows it, trying to reassure himself more than talking for Ronon's benefit.

"There's a Joomanis in there, hurry!" Ronon says, muscles bunching as he pulls with everything he's got. John's stomach drops and his traitorous mind supplies vivid visions of horrors featuring Rodney getting his throat ripped out. Seconds tick and they can't hear much of anything - what if John gets in there too late to save him? It takes a single bite and those things are nasty, they won't stop and he doesn't hear Rodney's gun at all even with a crack in the door. John pulls with all his might, too.

"Open up, you piece of shit!" he yells, trying to pry with his mind as much as with his body. "Rodney!"

 _Shitshitshitshitshit_ , this can't happen; he can't lose Rodney like this! Every one they lost over the years has been a blow, but this would be too much, something in John would snap and he knows it. He focuses everything he's got in a firm _OPEN, NOW!_ command and the door that had only been gaping a couple of inches suddenly obeys, sending them off balance to sprawl on the floor. John scrambles up and his knees almost buckle again in relief when he sees that Rodney's still standing though he's slumped against the far wall of the small room, holding his gun the wrong way for some reason. There is the bloody mess of a Joomanis at his feet.

John doesn't remember moving but the next thing he knows he's by Rodney's side, pulling him aside and unloading his P14-45 in the zombie, even though it's pretty clear it's not going to move anymore, head bashed in good and proper. He can feel Rodney flinch at every shot, because John's pinning him to the wall and using his own body as a shield, just in case. When there are no bullets left and his gun clicks on empty several times, John finally remembers to breathe.

"It's okay," Rodney says, grabbing his wrist holding the gun firmly and bringing it down. "It's dead for real now, it won't move anymore."

Twisting to face Rodney, John scans him rapidly and he looks a bit pale but fine. There's blood on him but it's sluggish and almost black, probably from the Joomanis. Rodney's throat is intact, pale and perfect, and John can't resist putting his fingers there to feel his pulse. He can distinctly feel Rodney shiver against his touch.

"You hurt?" John manages to croak, too shaken to even try to hide how much of a disaster it would be. Rodney's watching him with wide blue eyes, stunned and maybe finally adding up what he's been too blind to see for years. Rodney puts a hand over his, holding it against his neck. Blood thrums against John's palm: fast, steady, strong, alive, whole.

"No, no, I'm fine. My gun got stuck at the worst possible moment, but I used it to break open the thing's skull. It didn't bite me."

John closes his eyes for a second and gets pulled into a hug that he returns fiercely. "Thank god," he whispers. "Don't ever scare me like that again!"

"I'm sorry," Rodney says, squeezing a little tighter. "I'll do my best. Hey, shush, I'm okay."

He just needs a moment, though this almost breakdown is getting embarrassing. Letting go of Rodney right this second is more than John's able to do, though.

"I hope you won't punch me," Rodney says, which makes John frown.

It doesn't make any sense and that does the trick, John pulls back to look at him. "What?"

Rodney's got his brave face on and that's all John has time to register before their mouth meet, Rodney's hands framing his face and pulling him into a kiss. It's so unexpected that it takes a second before John responds, though when he does it's with everything he's got and years of pent up want. Rodney whimpers softly and opens up, it’s an opportunity that John can't pass as he kisses him deep and fierce. It's better than everything he's ever dared to imagine and he'd do it all day if Ronon didn't suddenly intrude.

"Hey, it's not that I'm not happy that you guys are finally wising up, but we should get out of here," he says.

John breaks the kiss and he opens his eyes to see a stunned Rodney, cheeks flushed and looking so kissable John has to do it again. He smiles against Rodney's lips, his heart now beating hard for a much better reason than fear. Rodney grins, then, and brings their foreheads together.

"Okay, definitely no punching, that's good. We're just putting this on pause, you hear me? I'll expect more kissing when there are no living deads looking to turn me into a snack, if that's okay with you."

"Anything you want, Rodney," John promises with a last kiss before he steps back, though he misses the contact with Rodney's body as soon as it's severed. Touching with intent could prove to be addictive, John thinks.

"Awesome," Rodney picks up his P-90 and gives it to John, before turning to the wall. He presses on a plate that turns out to be a drawer that slides out, showing a ZPM in a niche. Rodney takes it out and cradles in the crook of his elbow, before turning back to John, eyes shining bright. "I've got to tell you, Zombie Planet just got a zillion bonus points. And it has _nothing_ do to with this," he says, patting the module.

"Oh yeah?" John asks, a bit smug because he knows how much a ZPM gets in the score cards when it comes to rating planets. "Cool."

"Cool indeed. Now come on, I've got to fix that gate and when this is over, we're taking time off."

"Are we, now?" John drawls as he follows Rodney down the corridor. Oh, he's totally in agreement, don't get him wrong, but he's intrigued.

"Oh yes, we are. Either on Atlantis or elsewhere, I don't give a damn, but there's going to be a bed and lube. And possibly handcuffs."

"That sounds fine to me," John says, smiling wide.

In fact, it sounds pretty much perfect. The Joomanis better not even try to get in his way, now: John's always been the most efficient when motivated. And this, finally getting his man and a little happiness to boot? He's earned it, fair and square.

John puts a new clip in his gun and grins.

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from a quote from **Night of the Living Dead** (1968)
> 
>  _Don't you know what's goin' on out there? This is no Sunday School picnic!_  
>  \- Ben
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> If you'd prefer commenting on the original LJ entry, it's [here](http://mcshep-match.livejournal.com/117569.html) :)


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